If you had asked me a month ago if I could see myself deliberately taking an elbow to someone in a grocery store, I would have laughed. No way. Not me...especially not in a grocery store. I tend to open doors for people and step out of the way of families and old people cause that's the nice thing to do. Elbow someone in the chest? Who does that? Grocery shopping is a peaceful time for me. One of the only types of shopping I actually like to do. I've had women cut in front of me in the checkout line back home or yell at me for having more than 12 items in the Express Lane and wanted to give them a nice little shove...but would never do it. Plus, I can give a pretty decent scowl at a person and usually that does it for me if I even bother to care that much. Last week, however, I deliberately shoved my elbow quite forcefully into a man's chest in the soy sauce aisle at our local grocery store here in Shanghai and started a fight I did not expect. Honestly I didn't give it much thought. It was the first reaction that came to me and I just did it. I am not proud of myself nor think what I did was right. I had had enough and this man just happened to get me on the wrong day. It did however, set my wheels in motion as to why I had gotten to this point and if I would get worse or mellow out. This argument sure did get me fired up. But more of that in a minute. There is a slight background to this story.
As I mentioned in my first blog, Brian had warned me that people here can be pushy and have no 12" rule. He warned that it would get frustrating and at one point, might bring out the worst in me. But how bad could they be, I thought? Trying to get on the plane people were annoying but nothing worse than my experiences in India or the subway in New York City. It was handle-able. However, that ended the day I stepped into the supermarket. Or maybe I should say that is when I started to notice a change in me. It started in the checkout aisle. Forget the 12 inch rule...the 1 inch rule does not exist in line at the supermarket. The number of people that owe me dinner for the privilege of being up on my behind each week would feed me for the next month. There is no shame in LITERALLY leaning up on someone's rear in front of you. The first time it happened, I thought, "Oh, guess I should move up a bit. This little old lady doesn't realize how close she is." She did. She moved up too. Right up on my ass. I turned around because I thought if I gave her the "Excuuuuse me" look with raised eyebrows and palms out, she would get that I wanted my body free of her. Brian starts laughing, "That's normal Sarah. She gets it. But she's not going anywhere." So I lean my elbows up on my cart, stick my butt out, and laugh as she tsks me from behind. Figured "You want some booty. You got it lady." It's become kind of a joke for Brian and I in the supermarket now and one we repeat on a regular basis. Another fun thing we like to do is crowd up the lane (which is tiny anyway and not difficult) with our bodies and our cart, play on our iPhones, and pretend we don't see the line moving ahead of us. Not that we're being assholes. In fact, in the States this would actually look like normal flow. We leave a foot or two between us and the person in front of us. But to the people in line behind us in Shanghai, we are being slow and they will try to inch around us. Even if we can't get our stuff up on the belt yet because the man in front of us isn't done putting his groceries out, we are expected to shove him and make him work faster. However, this just makes us move slower. Again...not my shining moment in life. But one of the few "treats" Brian and I give ourselves to get through the irritation. Figure if we can laugh about it, we can handle it.
The laughter however, begins to wane after a day of trying to get anywhere. People will shove you on the sidewalk. They almost run you over with their scooters. Cut in front of you in line. Don't let you off an elevator because they are too busy trying to get on. If you are trying to get ON an elevator, the person ahead of you hits their floor and pushes the close button immediately afterward even if they are the first one and see 10 others behind. Taxis always look like they are either going to hit each other or hit a pedestrian and communicate soley by horn...all the time. People push you back into the subway as you are trying to get off, grab the vegetable you are reaching for in the store, and even come right up to your patio table while you are eating to take a picture of you. Unabashed and aggressive this city of Shanghai always is with no apology and no relent. I sometimes venture across town to the ex-pat stores where I can find much missed and hard to find items like cheese, baking powders and spices, fabric softener sheets, mustard, and tampons. Only 3 stops away on the subway but it takes 3 hours because of all the shoving, walking, dodging vehicles, hard to understand items, and long grocery store lines. When I finally get home to my sanctuary and flop on the couch, it feels like I just fought through a busy lunch shift at work for several hours. All senses have been at their max and I am exhausted. Crack a beer. No wonder the Chinese drink so much.
Brian has been used to this life since May and for the several years he has been coming to China. I am approaching my first month. Coming from peaceful, green, and boring Vancouver WA straight into this tenacious insanity has its effects. One is the drain, both physically and emotionally. Another is the electric pulse of the city that makes you feel alive and excited. Another is the eventual adaptability. I waver between the first two and will eventually grasp the latter. Of the two of us, I would say I am the more fiery in personality. Brian is my rock who takes my fiestiness in great stride and balances me with much needed reason at times. It was much to my surprise to see him take a couple elbows here and there to a person my first week. I was shocked. His normal, teethy smile with his warm brown eyes have hardened to a squint, a furrowing of the brow, and a quick one foot in front of the other. He crosses the crazy streets just like the Chinese, inches from a cab, texting work reports. My sweet country boy has learned to adapt. He assures me I will learn as well and not to feel so bad about being aggressive and not to be so mad when others are. I am still in transition. But I feel the change coming over me. I am starting to lose my American "manners" and do as the Chinese do. I am learning, however, that they are not always as receptive to us doing it. There is often a look of surprise and/or irritation when we do the same. Such as the day I elbowed a man and a yelling match, of sorts, ensued.
In the soy sauce aisle, examining a bottle I planned to purchase, a middle aged man and a woman shoved me out of the way and nearly knocked me over to grab an item in front of where I was standing. It seemed deliberate, as I had never experienced anything quite this aggressive and obvious. When even the Chinese around you notice, something is wrong. I gasped and looked at Brian standing next to me as if to say, "What the hell?" No sooner had I turned back around, the same man nearly knocked me over again, to which I put out my elbow and dug pretty hard into his rib cage. Much like a mosh pit, where one shoves one and then gets shoved back, we went back and forth a minute. He put his face close to mine, said something in Chinese, and pointed at Brian as if to tell him, "Take care of your woman," to which I shoved him back off me again. Brian knows what I can handle and didn't get involved physically but calmly told the man to back off. We turned to leave and go about our business. When he kept yelling at me I turned around, stepped a foot closer to him, and firmly said "Don't push me and go away." He ran off. I grabbed my soy sauce and we left. It took Brian a good 20 minutes to get me on another topic, as I was pretty rattled, though I love him for trying. Part of me was so angry with this man and another part of me was so angry with myself for letting him get the best of me. Now Brian brags about the story to his associates but I don't feel very proud of myself. I am ashamed. I should have just let it go. But I had let so much go already and I had had enough. I know its no excuse.
I keep saying, This isn't me. I don't do this. But what if it is? What if this is me under pressure? What if this is everyone in a state of some warped version of survival? I don't want to be aggressive and shove people. I want to be an example but sometimes it is very hard, I must admit. When you have to get on that subway and someone is pushing you out of the way it isn't rude here to push back...it is how it is done. It will just have to take some adjusting. One thing that helps is to listen to music while out on town. I went to the store the other day and turned on Jars of Clay...which I haven't listened to in a long time. My soul became quiet, I looked at the Chinese as people and not "shovers" and kept myself out of crowded areas as much as possible. On other days when I feel particularly keen on fitting in, I listen to some gangster rap, drink a coffee, and jump into the flow. Either way music helps take away the annoying buzz of traffic, puts me in a frame of mind to set my attitude, and keeps people from trying to sell me something. I also smile a lot and say "Nee-How", which means hello. People here are not actually very confrontational and when you look them in the eye and greet them, they usually look down or run away as the man in the grocery store did when I finally faced him.
Friendliness and music. My hopes are that this method, along with some serious spiritual checking of myself each morning and night, will help me so I can learn to keep my elbows in. I must say, though, that as much as it may hurt or bother me right now to deal with, it is probably a necessary hardening that will do me good at some point later in life. Fingers crossed I can unharden when I need to as well.
