A turn of keys and I am home from work. I let the dog out the front door to romp around in her newly found freedom as I return to the confines of my lonely castle. It has been a long day and my mind needs to sigh some relief. Drop keys on my entryway stand and remove sunglasses, nudge work shoes off socked, sweaty feet, and pad my way to the bathroom to gaze at the small wearings a day at work has given my face. Take a quick wash, remove my firewood and smoke fumed uniform, and adorn my limbs with soft, clean comfort. Shuffle my feet, cell-phone in hand searching for messages of validation, and relent to sit on the front porch watching Tilly chase butterflies, wings floating bug-like towards her chomping anxious hop. My desire to not be alone is overcome by my desire to be lazy and I cancel a couple tentative plans for the evening because…well…sometimes that is lonelier when your mind is somewhere else. I opt, instead, to grab Tilly's frisbees and watch her charge at them over and over, my feet running through fresh cut grass, my ears listening to my latest npr show. I let my mind get engrossed in the stories on the radio and laugh out loud as Tilly makes a powerful leap too high and almost trips herself on the landing. Funny dog. Stories of humility. My breathing slows into an attitude of gratefulness and my focus is blurred into relaxation as I realize that all the dumb little things that have built up on my shoulders throughout the day are really not that heavy. And suddenly…I don't mind being alone in my little castle.
I have been in a slump lately with my attitude towards life and I believe it is probably part product of my age and part observance of my financial accomplishments topped off with a dollop of relationship failures. If I were to look forward into my life at 25, I never would have seen myself living with a dog at 34 in a duplex in Vancouver, Washington. I certainly wouldn't have seen myself alone. Life doesn't always turn out how you plan and often as the result of the small choices made along the way. It is the listening (or in some cases ignoring) of that inner voice, that turn to the path less traveled, that "Don't do this" that we do or that "Don't stay in this" that we stay in that brings us to a clearing with a view that we did not expect to end up at.
A lot of these decisions in my life have been made in respect to the men in my life. In fact, almost ALL my major moves have been based on men. Move to the U.S….my dad. Move to Arizona…mom leaving my dad. Move to Colorado…me leaving my husband. Move back to Arizona…not a man. Move to Oregon…first move with boyfriend. Continued travel on yachts…moving around with boyfriend in the business. Move back to Oregon…lack of man in life and breakup from previously mentioned boyfriend. Move to Vancouver…boyfriend. Move to China…same boyfriend. Move back to Oregon…same boyfriend broke up with me. At some point the madness came to an all out dizzy spin and I collapsed to the ground. I have been on the ground for the last year and a half trying desperately to avoid the low flying planes of more bad choices. And as sad as that may sound and lonely as it has become, it has been the best thing that could have happened to me and something I need to remind myself of. I have become safe and cautious, closed in and protective, gained girlfriends and weird guy friends, and sat still in one place by myself ON MY OWN for the first time in my life. There are no boats to jump onto, no surprise trips to Brazil from my boyfriend to brag about, no one to tell me that I should be doing this or that with my life, no one to help me manage my money. The need to have someone there just to fill the void diminishes more and more as time alone is more wholesome than time with the wrong person. Waiting feels better…silence sounds clearer…budgeting is an accomplishment. Why it takes some people longer to truly discover themselves, I don't know. But it is a happening so important and necessary and one that makes me thank every path beforehand that brought me to here FINALLY. I have to remember these moments when I am down on myself for what I haven't accomplished. Because if accomplishing joy and a knowledge of oneself had been my original goal, I never would have taken such lengthy paths to get here. But I am here, nonetheless and the growth doesn't end here.
I take a quiet stroll with Tilly, enjoying Zac Brown in my ears. It unravels the day and brings on the setting sun. I walk back into my home, turn the oven on, prepare my dinner for one. Tilly wiggles anxiously at my feet, tail twitching in expectation of fallen food. Okay…dinner for two. Amy calls and we chat about our odd weekends, how we will get through the next week's stresses, and why men are so strange. Comfort and acceptance, love and sisterhood, see you later, and goodbye. I grab Tilly, snuggle into my couch with a book, softly pet her head till her eyes droop, and the day ends one more time. I am home and home is me as I should be in my cozy castle safe and sound. I am content. Alone.
